Into The Thick of It

What a day!

This day has been CRAZY! Melanie had an awesome birthday at the local arts and crafts place, which was so fun.  They made these cool jewelry pieces and a jewelry tree too. I got to sit in the waiting room and read my book, which was pretty much pure bliss (it was air conditioned, and otherwise I was going to sit in the car, which was HOT!). On our way home, we thought it would be cool to get a limeade from Sonic, so we stopped there to grab one (Cherry with vanilla, our favorite). 

She got out of the car, and was still talking to me when she did so, and turned at the wrong moment and bashed her head along the corner of one of the big sign/order taker thingies. Immediately, before she could even scream (which she did - loudly), it was swollen, purple, and scraped up.  It looked like a blood vessel in her temple was going to explode.  She also scraped the skin off and was complaining of nausea and blurry vision in her left eye.  The bump was bad, and she's going to have a black eye, but the other things concerned me.  So off to the ER we went.

We were just at the ER on Sunday, when she hurt her hands on the boat when we went out with my cousins and family.  She sees the orthapedic surgeon on Tuesday to evaluate whether or not she has to keep a cast on it or if she's okay (they're mostly worried about her thumb).   We walked in and people greeted us by name.  That is NEVER a good sign.

After being checked out by 2 or 3 different nurses, the doctor walked in to see what was going on.  Mel turned BRIGHT red, because he was a pretty good looking guy.  Turns out he's also the father of 4 kids, mostly around Mel's age.  He was great - put her right at ease.  He put this glow in the dark stuff in her eye to see if it was scratched, but it turns out it wasn't. She just bruised it really good.  She's gonna have a mark there, for sure.

We did go to Sonic again on the way home, and waited forever (it was busy on a Friday night). On the way home, there was a sobriety check point, and I turned into our road because I didn't have to go past it.  I got pulled over.  The cop thought I was trying to avoid the check point.  He looked in and saw Mel with her sling and cast and the icepack on her face and said, "Oh my! Is everyone okay? Are you on the way home from the urgent care?" I said that yes we were, and he just said, "I hope you feel better! Please drive safely, ma'am."  

I peed a little.  I haven't been pulled over in forever.

She's resting now and probably hurting.  Her head was throbbing when I put her to bed.  

I got tulips from my friends Steff and Kea tonight.  That totally turned my day around.  They rock.

Hope everyone has a safe weekend :) Only 3 more days of school!

 

Contrast

I wish this was a tutorial about contrast in Photoshop.  That would be so cool. Alas, as much as I love and use Photoshop, the contrast setting is one I do not know enough about myself, much less enough to teach others.  I'll have to study up on that for sure.

This is about contrast in my life.  Days feel like such a mixture of light and dark right now, that it's hard for me to stay in focus.  There is no balance and I am on the precipice of falling into a deep, dark hole, or stumbling up a huge flight of stairs...I can't figure out which one.  Either way is going to leave a bruise.

There are so many GOOD things happening right now.  Melanie is flourishing. My family is close. I love my work. I still love music. I feel like I'm on the cusp of so many things - terrifying and exciting and terrific all at once.

There are so many heavy weights right now, too.  Waiting.  Lack of alone time.  Physical fatigue in a way that I have never experienced.  Lack of time to read (my soul feels thirsty).  The day to day cares that should flutter by at the end of each day seem to be choosing to land and stay - and instead of weighing a feather, they weigh like a stone.  Rather, a boulder. 

My heart beats so fast, and so unsteadily.  I cannot decide if this is a physical or emotional thing - or if there is a difference.  At the end of the day, the effect is the same.  I tremble almost constantly.  When I close my eyes, there are vivid colors and sharp angles and lines and ultra focused images - but no rest.  This is also indiscernible as to whether it is a positive or a negative - or maybe it is neither, and just too much.

This isn't a flighty and fun post.  I have flighty and fun moments still.  Funny moments.  Lots of laughter and love and life.  But right now, in the alone of this moment, it is blurry. 

My eyes need respite.  My heart needs a break.  My soul needs quiet.  Good or bad, or whatever it is that is filling my days - I just need to breathe.

 

New store, new start!

Whew - things have been so in flux lately!! My family has moved back into town (closer than you'd think), and there have been other changes personally and professionally.  The one I'm most excited about is my new home for scrapbooking, One Story Down. 

This also means that after a 4 year exile, I can now collab again with my BFF, Libby Pritchett!  She is my favorite design partner, and we have SO much fun working together.  Here is our latest work, Shut the Front Door, and I think it is my favorite thing that we've ever made, and that I have made personally. It's available for sale right now - you don't want to miss all the coolness in this collection!

Stay tuned for more about the wonderful ladies at OSD, new goodies coming up, Melanie stories, and other assorted goofiness.  I've missed blogging, and those of you who follow.  More to come!

My top 10 right now.

I'm having one of those days that is wearing me down, physically and emotionally, so instead of sliding into the deep dark slimey pit, I'm going to list 10 things that I love, right now. 

1. I love that I have a cat named Zazzles.  This of course leads me to my love of Sheldon, which in turn leads me to my love of The Big Bang Theory, but I'm going to only count this as one, because well - Zazzles is my kitty, and she deserves a big #1.

2. I love these three adorable kittens that Zazzles had.  They are starting to become more mobile and adventurous and so. darn. cute.  I mean seriously, Pumpkin could win awards!  He's so fuzzy - or to quote one of my favorite movies - "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!" .

3. I love music.  I realize that I still (even living on 'my own' and having the ability and time to choose my own) worry about what other people think about my music choices.  Yesterday morning, I watched CMT on tv for a little while.  And seriously, Keith Urban?  Hot and talented.

4. I love my new TV. Thank you, brother of mine.

5. I love tea.  Jasmine Mint Green is my favorite right now, but I really don't turn my nose up at much!

6. I love my kid.  I realize that this appears that she is pretty far down on the list, but that's not really true.  We have had a rough few days though.  And I still love her.  I'm lucky to be her mom.

7. I love learning. I know that I don't have as much education or articulate as clearly as some others do, but I do love to learn new things.  I'm reading a book on philosophy right now, and it's so good.  I would be reading book 3 of my series that I mentioned in my last post, alas, I accidentally ordered it in German, so I have to wait and get it in English. (Talk about a duh moment - I don't speak a lick of German except to bless people when the sneeze.)

8. I love that I have good things coming up.  I don't like that I can't spill the beans yet, but I do like that I have a secret worth keeping. :) Stay tuned for more on that.

9. I love that my birthday is coming up.  This is sort of a love/hate thing, to be honest.  My age is going to be precariously close to a BIG one.  Yikes!  But I do love having a birthday.  At least I survived another year!

10. I love Rock Band and Guitar Hero.  Yes, I realize that I am old enough to have a BIG birthday coming up.  I'm not a teen or a preteen or some pimply guy who lives in his mother's basement.  I'm a single mom with two cats and moderate musical ability in 'real life'.  However, I love that game.  I love the challenge of it, and the songs on it, and the whole nine yards.  I can't wait to play it again.  (Amanda and I often play together, which is very fun.)

You know, I could probably come up with 10 more now that I'm on a roll.  This exercise proved helpful.  So now I'm going to go play Rock Band and not care if I like the song that is country or poppy or anything else weird - I'm just going to enjoy!

Escape the elves

So most of you know me pretty well.  If you know me at all, you know I love to read.  I love fiction, and I often escape into it before bedtime (and then end up reading until 4am - but I'm a grown up so I don't get into trouble for that as much any more).  I also love biographies and memoirs and how-to-do-it books.  Heck, my mom bought me "Sex for Dummies" as a wedding gift years ago.  She knew me well.

Recently, I've been reading a series by Christopher Paolini called "The Inheritance Cycle".  I read both of the first two books, which were incredibly long (over 500 pages each) and so detailed.  They were really the first of this sort of genre I've read except for The Lord of the Rings Trilogy back in middles school/high school.  They're fantasy in the BEST way of being fantasy.  Dragons and elves and wizards and witches and humans who rise above.  I am seriously hooked into them, and thought I'd read all four of them straight in a row. 

Then the dreams started.

I don't want to give too much away from the stories, because they're worth reading.  (The author wrote the first one when he was 15 - which I find amazing!) But my dreams were totally otherworldly.  I was human in all of them (as far as I knew) - but I was learning the ways of the dragon riders, and I was cavorting with elves, and facing the evil king.  Like vivid, bright technicolor dreams that I would wake out of, and then fall right back into when I rolled over.  The ones you sort of can't escape. 

For example:

I dreamed that I was a mother of a small child, and that my entire village was under attack for harboring an elf (which isn't even IN the dang books!).  I had to hide the child in the sacks that I used to cart stuff to market day, and then block my mind from invasions of people trying to read it against my will.  I was brewing herbs and stuff into teas by night so that they would heal people who were being attacked in the village, and also hiding those, because otherwise I would have been accused of witchcraft, although in my dream I had no 'power'.  

Seriously, people.  I drink tea.  That's about the only thing that rings true about that one.

There was another one where I was riding a dragon and kept falling off when the dragon flipped over in the air, only to be caught in the dragon's talons, and wake up with shooting pain in my hip.  I blame that on the fibro, except that every time I fell back to sleep, I got back on the damn dragon.  Masochist. 

So, after I completed book 2, which had an ending that I TOTALLY was not prepared for, I took a break and am rereading a Nora Roberts book.  But now I'm near the end, and I fear that I have to go back to those books because I have to figure out what happens to my friends, for the characters certainly have become my friends during the readings.  I'll keep you informed as to how that turns out (dream-wise). 

The other thing I've done is watch a few movies.  Crazy, Stupid, Love was one that I watched and I ADORED!  Ryan Gosling's character in particular was awesome, and the ending totally had me sitting there with my mouth hanging open.  That was a nice distraction. :)

However, I believe that it is time for me to return to the land of the elves, dwarfs, urgals, and riders.  The book is calling my name. 

Kids Night at Applebees

Sounds innocent enough, right?  We had a gift card, and thought that we could probably eat with just the gift card and a little bit for the tip, and we'd be good to go.  In that aspect, we were right.  It was a cheap date.  However, you know us.  We can't just have a normal evening out.  I'm not even sure what a normal evening out is!

So we are brought to our table and get settled in.  The waiter comes, and he's a nice looking guy.  Probably 18 or 19 or so.  Melanie immediately blushes, which I did not expect, because she tends to get shy around blond haired, blue eyed guys, and this guy had darker hair and eyes.  So we order our drinks and our food (we knew what we wanted before we got there), and we were just sitting there talking to each other.  The guy (whose name was Lester) came back with our drinks, and asked if we needed anything else, to which I reply - "No thanks!" (with my cheesy happy smile - I try to be kind to waitstaff).  So, he walks away, and Melanie sort of grunts at me.  

Me:  What was that grunt for?

Mel:  Oh, nothing.  I'm probably imagining things.

Me:  What are you imaginging?

Mel:  Ah, nothing.  Seriously, it's all good.  Now about those wolves I was telling you about....

So a few minutes go buy, and this little girl (I say little girl because she was probably 5'1" and 88 pounds) comes over and greets Melanie and asks if she wants a balloon animal.  Mel says - SURE!  Balloons + Animals = Melanie is thrilled.  So the girl asks what kind of animal is Melanie's favorite, and (surprise surprise) she says dog.  So the girl pulls out a black balloon and starts to make the dog.  She does one twist, then another twist, and then all of a sudden holds the balloon up to her ear and says - "Oh, bummer, this one is going to not stay up.  It's loosing air.  You can have this one but I'll make you another dog."  She then proceeds to lay that black balloon on our table, while she makes the yellow dog balloon.  Melanie thanks her, and the girl walks away.

Mel: Mom, which one of these bumps is the dog's face?

Me: I've got no clue!

Mel: And are these his ears?  They're pretty crooked.

Me: I'm not sure about that either...maybe he's looking out of the side or something.

Mel: And why is his tail crooked?  Dog's tails don't have a bend in them like that.

Me: Well, remember, this is a balloon - you can only be so exact.

Mel: Well, speaking of exact, that black balloon looks exactly like a weinie. 

Me: ::Open mouthed shocked face::

The kid was right.  The lady had made a weinie balloon, and then left it in the middle of our table.  And the balloon was deflating, which is just really difficult to describe without going into more detail than anyone ever should about a weinie or a balloon.  Suffice it to say that after I got it together, we put the weinie balloon off of the table.

So, Lester comes back and gives us our food, and then checks on us again just a few minutes after that.  Everything is fine, he's very friendly, I'm very friendly and oblivious, Melanie is looking at him with the hairy eyeball. He walks away.

Mel: MOM!!! Pull up your shirt!

Me: (looking down) - What's wrong with my shirt??

Mel: Just pull it up.  He must think you have the cleavage.

Me: Who? Who must think I have cleavage.  This shirt doesn't show any cleavage!

Mel: Well, Mr. Hungry Eyes over there keeps flirting with you, and I think it's because of the cleavage!

Me: Mr. What?!

Mel: Mr. Hungry Eyes.  He's flirting with you!

Me: Do you know that song?

Mel: What song?  I'm talking about our waiter!

Me: (I'm dying laughing now) - Melanie, I am old enough to be that boy's mama!

Mel: Exactly my point!! Pull up your shirt!!

I seriously could not stop laughing.  I mean seriously - that song is cheesy enough, and then she quotes it without knowing she's quoting it.  And again - the guy was just friendly, AND I wasn't showing any cleavage (or 'the cleavage' as Mel calls it).  

Lester comes back.  I'm wiping my eyes.  Mel is looking at me like I've lost my mind.  He says - did you guys need anything else?  

I open my mouth to answer, and Melanie says - "Just the check please.  Nothing to see here."

He laughs.

I died. 

We paid the bill (all $5 of it including a very generous tip because we were weird) and got out of dodge.  I cannot take this kid anywhere.

Except I love taking her everywhere.  She is a hoot and a half. 

 

 

Stripes, piercings and who we are

Some of you know me, have known me, for a long time.  In a brief summary, I had a horrible breakdown in 2008, lost most of what I had identified myself as being, except for my child, and really just sort of sucked for a long time.  Therapy came into the picture - and quite literally saved my life. Had Nancy not had confidence in me, and encouraged me to face things straight on, I would definitely not still be on this earth.  

One of the things that happened long before the breakdown in 2008 was a fascination with getting my nose pierced.  I didn't do it, because I was on staff at a church, and on the platform every morning, and I knew it wouldn't fly.  I kept talking to those close to me about it, but kept being encouraged to just let it go.  In the fall of 2009 I really started thinking about it again.  I even talked to my therapist, Nancy, about it.  I wasn't insane, I wasn't searching for anything to prove, I wasn't rebelling; it was something that I had wanted for a long time - a way to express who I was deep down inside.  It wasn't going to hurt anyone - it's not permanent, I could take it out at any time.  (I had debated a little bit about the tattoo thing, but honestly?  I'm a HUGE sissy.  One poke with a needle or hours with a needle?  Easy decision - and again, I loved the nose ring thing.) In therapy, I was just getting to the point of learning how to say "I want" something.  Even simple things like "I want to eat this for breakfast" and "I want to listen to this song now" - those little steps were HUGE steps for me.  So when I broached the subject with Nancy, she encouraged me to search for a reputable place and go for it.

September 8th, I made an appointment to go get my nose pierced.  I knew the wife of the man who owned the parlor; she was wonderful, and so was he, when I finally got there.  I got lost (if you know me at all, you know that this is nothing surprising), and I had a slight manic panic phase on the way there, but I got there, and went to sit in the chair that is deceptivly like a dentist's chair.  I also had my ear cuff repierced while I was there, and he did that first.  It hurt like a booger, but I knew it would.  I was talking to his wife, who was standing in the room with us, when he pierced my nose, and I can honestly say, I did not feel a thing.  I walked out of there so proud of myself, and so thrilled with my nose piercing (even if it was a little red the first few days).

I know that it's just a piece of jewelry.  And I get that it's a little controversial, especially in conservative circles.  However, I didn't do it to get attention or to be controversial; it's a teeny tiny diamond stud.  A lot of people know me, see me, and don't even realize I have it pierced.  But for me, it was a huge step in doing something that I had WANTED to do for so long, but the only reason for not doing it was not rocking the boat.  Turns out that when I finally did it, the boat didn't rock that much anyway.  It's a decision I have never once regretted.

I have an 8.5 year old daughter.  She is so bright, like scary smart at times.  She's funny, and beautiful, and talented.  I think she's fabulous.  Recently, however, she's been having a craptastic time.  A lot of this has been brought on by her own decisions.  She's been disrespectful, distracted, and sort of a know-it-all.  It came to a big head this week, when teacher and mom contacted each other and conferred and realized that the same things were going on both places.  After several long talks with my kid, the realization struck me that she does not feel smart. Or funny. She feels ugly.  And stupid.  And like she is the least liked person in the world.  She's insecure and panicky and she's lashing out in frustration and anger because she is afraid.  Some of that lays on my head.  Some of that lays in her past.  Some of it lays on her own decision making.  But all of it - ALL of it - I could relate to.

Back when Melanie was 5 years old, she started asking if she could have a few pink stripes in her hair.  When she was 5, I kept saying no because of the proverbial boat.  I didn't want to rock it, and I didn't want to hear the crap about it.  I shut her out and down about it.  She kept asking, though.  Not in a nagging way - but just occasionally in a, "wow, someday I'd really like to have some pink stripes in my hair" kind of way.  Eventually we got to the place where I was feeling more bold (I had my nose pierced) and I said we could do it.  Due to circumstances I'd rather not get into, we were sort of shut down again.  We've had that hair dye sitting in the closet for a long time now.

Well yesterday, she and I were talking (after the whole big mess with the school and everything went down) and we were both really kind if spilling it out there.  She told me how afraid she was at school - not like physically afraid, but just that she wouldn't be good enough, and that she felt this pressure to be like everyone else - to do things just the way everyone else does, and to be 'the good reader' because that's what she's been labeled as, and to panic when she didn't get it right the first time, because she didn't want the attention on her.  We talked about some ways to do better with things like that, i.e., listen to the instructions all the way through before she started on her work, and asking the teacher a question, even if it's in private, if she needs help.  To take her time to double check her work before she turns it in.  To not boast or brag or make fun of others who are struggling (the same way that she struggles).  It was a good talk.

Then she says to me, "I wish I could have the pink stripe in my hair, mom. Not because I want people to look at it or not look at it or anything like that, but just because *I* will know it's there. Even if it's not bright pink, or if it washes out in a few weeks, I will know I had the pink stripe.  That pink stripe will be a brave stripe for me."

I have a nosering that's brave for me.  It's a symbolic thing of a huge step in my life. 

It's just freakin' hair. It will grow out and wash out and be back to how it was 3 hours ago in a matter of weeks, or we'll do it again if she wants. 

She sat thru the entire process.  She looks grown up.  She was OVERJOYED at the pink stripes.  Like - tears of joy.  She didn't say "I can't wait to show the kids at school!" or "I hope grandma and grandpa like it" or "I wonder what ______ will say?" (Boy's name omitted to protect the innocent).  She said "I have my brave stripe!! I LOVE this!!"

This is going to be another one of those days that I do not regret it one bit.  I might even go polish up my nosering a little bit. 

(Pictures upcoming when we get better light.) 

Knitting and other deep thoughts

I've been doing a good share of knitting as of late. Even though my right eye still has that infernal twitch, it does seem to be relaxing me. Melanie has the casting on and the basic knit stitch down, and is currently working on a blanket for one of her stuffed animals. I have to be honest and say she did tell me which one, but as she has close to a hundred if them, and knows them all by heart (along with their personalities), I have a hard time keeping up with who's who!

It used to bug me that she always went for stuffed animals. They do tend to spread out hither and yon. It has slowly become more evident, however, that these things really are her friends and family. She has no siblings; she does not have any imaginary friends, except that is not totally true. THESE are her imaginary friends. They are no skin off of my nose, and she still gets hours of enjoyment from them each day. Who am I to scoff at that? Sooner than I want, she'll be talking or texting her "real" friends, talking about boys or makeup or other too grown up things. May the stuffed animals, and their knitted blankets, live long and continue to prosper her imagination!

Lots of other thoughts bubbling and brewing lately too. Perhaps I'll let them simmer a little longer. The realization about my awesome kid and her herd of pals was ready and worthy though.

Don't grow up too fast, little girl!

What happened to my bed?!

Mel hasn't been feeling great the last few days; she has a tooth coming in, and it has been affecting her ear and balance and she sometimes feels really nauseated and like she is going to pass out.  This is no fun to watch, and I'm sure in her case, no fun to experience.  So last night, she went to sleep in my bed, because she was just feeling icky.  

I didn't understand the full consequences of this decision. 

Observe Illustration.

1. This is the halfway point (approximately) of my full sized bed.

2. This is the amount of space that was actually split.  See how little my share of the space is? And see how I am sharing it with a 12 and a 9 pound cat with me? I'm just getting started, people.

3. This is my adorable, 48-pound daughter's pillow.  Her head should be in the middle of it, in my opinion, and the rest of her should be aligned properly below said middle. 

4. This is my pillow.  What you cannot see in the wonderful artwork (*sense sarcasm*) is that I normally sleep with two pillows.  That red pillow?  It's mine.  My kid stole it.

5.  That is Taz.  He's about 12 or 13 pounds, I'd say. And he stretches out, and lays half upside down so that his chin is in the air.  His front paws were actually stretched up across my arm that was tucked in under my head, and his back paws were pushed into my lower stomach.  He was purring, so he must have been comfortable.  

6.  That is Zaz. (Zazzles.) She is about 8 or 9 pounds, and with kitten.  She is laying on top of my thigh, and her head is flat down, chin on me, belly on me - and her legs are hanging over the sides of my legs - like a smooshed fly.  It was like she just gave out, and her legs dangled in the air.  I was impressed by her balance, truthfully.  However, this meant that I could not move my legs.

7. This is my child's elbow.  It is in the back of my head.  And she doesn't sleep peacefully, so she oftentimes jerks and moans, and sometimes that elbow hits me between the shoulder blades, or sometimes she just jabs me with it out of nowhere.  Elbows are deadly.

8.  This is my child's size 12 foot.  It is planted firmly up my buttocks.  (Refer to #7 for reference to jerks.)

9. This is the unused portion of the bed.  There could be human feet there.  Or cats.  Instead, what you can't see, is that ALL of the blankets are there.  They have been taken away and tossed by the girl child.

10.  These are my feet.  They are completely asleep, because I can't move my legs.

This is how I spent approximately 6 hours.  I wasn't asleep, note you.  I just laid there, if that is what you can call it.  

*Sigh*

Life with Melanie is NEVER boring!

Showing my age

I guess I'm not showing it in the typical ways.  I mean, I have a few grey hairs, but thankfully my haircolor (the dirty blond/light brown thing) makes it look like highlights (or so I continue to convince myself).  I don't have any creaky body parts, although I have what I have affectionatly deemed my "Grandma Knee" (the right one), as it sometimes likes to just....freeze.  Or give out.   I'm not too rinkly or saggy yet, and I'm taking care of my skin. 

But here is what is showing my age.

1. My eye will NOT stop twitching.  I don't know if it is because I'm looking at the computer screen for too long, or if I'm too tired from not sleeping well, or if I need to eat another dozen bananas, or what.  It's not the twitchy eye that is the sign of age so much as it is my COMPLAINTS about the twitchy eye.  I feel like a crotchety old woman giving an organ recital about the doggon thing.  But when your kid tells you that you look like an alien from the side because of your eye spasming, you've got good reasons.  Maybe Maxine and I should team up and make a cartoon about that.

2.  Friends is on Nick at Nite.  HOW did this happen?  Friends is my all time favorite show, so it should not be on this channel.  This is the channel for older people who can not sleep at night.  Do I fit into that category?  Well, yes.  But still.  Nick at Nite?!

3.  I am cold all the time.  Especially my hands and feet.  Which leads me to...

4.  I am kntting fingerless gloves because I'm on the computer all day every day.  I just need to learn how to knit socks next.  It's on my list. 

So, there are my aging difficulties.  I'm still young at heart, though. :)