Into The Thick of It

My top 10 right now.

I'm having one of those days that is wearing me down, physically and emotionally, so instead of sliding into the deep dark slimey pit, I'm going to list 10 things that I love, right now. 

1. I love that I have a cat named Zazzles.  This of course leads me to my love of Sheldon, which in turn leads me to my love of The Big Bang Theory, but I'm going to only count this as one, because well - Zazzles is my kitty, and she deserves a big #1.

2. I love these three adorable kittens that Zazzles had.  They are starting to become more mobile and adventurous and so. darn. cute.  I mean seriously, Pumpkin could win awards!  He's so fuzzy - or to quote one of my favorite movies - "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!" .

3. I love music.  I realize that I still (even living on 'my own' and having the ability and time to choose my own) worry about what other people think about my music choices.  Yesterday morning, I watched CMT on tv for a little while.  And seriously, Keith Urban?  Hot and talented.

4. I love my new TV. Thank you, brother of mine.

5. I love tea.  Jasmine Mint Green is my favorite right now, but I really don't turn my nose up at much!

6. I love my kid.  I realize that this appears that she is pretty far down on the list, but that's not really true.  We have had a rough few days though.  And I still love her.  I'm lucky to be her mom.

7. I love learning. I know that I don't have as much education or articulate as clearly as some others do, but I do love to learn new things.  I'm reading a book on philosophy right now, and it's so good.  I would be reading book 3 of my series that I mentioned in my last post, alas, I accidentally ordered it in German, so I have to wait and get it in English. (Talk about a duh moment - I don't speak a lick of German except to bless people when the sneeze.)

8. I love that I have good things coming up.  I don't like that I can't spill the beans yet, but I do like that I have a secret worth keeping. :) Stay tuned for more on that.

9. I love that my birthday is coming up.  This is sort of a love/hate thing, to be honest.  My age is going to be precariously close to a BIG one.  Yikes!  But I do love having a birthday.  At least I survived another year!

10. I love Rock Band and Guitar Hero.  Yes, I realize that I am old enough to have a BIG birthday coming up.  I'm not a teen or a preteen or some pimply guy who lives in his mother's basement.  I'm a single mom with two cats and moderate musical ability in 'real life'.  However, I love that game.  I love the challenge of it, and the songs on it, and the whole nine yards.  I can't wait to play it again.  (Amanda and I often play together, which is very fun.)

You know, I could probably come up with 10 more now that I'm on a roll.  This exercise proved helpful.  So now I'm going to go play Rock Band and not care if I like the song that is country or poppy or anything else weird - I'm just going to enjoy!

Stripes, piercings and who we are

Some of you know me, have known me, for a long time.  In a brief summary, I had a horrible breakdown in 2008, lost most of what I had identified myself as being, except for my child, and really just sort of sucked for a long time.  Therapy came into the picture - and quite literally saved my life. Had Nancy not had confidence in me, and encouraged me to face things straight on, I would definitely not still be on this earth.  

One of the things that happened long before the breakdown in 2008 was a fascination with getting my nose pierced.  I didn't do it, because I was on staff at a church, and on the platform every morning, and I knew it wouldn't fly.  I kept talking to those close to me about it, but kept being encouraged to just let it go.  In the fall of 2009 I really started thinking about it again.  I even talked to my therapist, Nancy, about it.  I wasn't insane, I wasn't searching for anything to prove, I wasn't rebelling; it was something that I had wanted for a long time - a way to express who I was deep down inside.  It wasn't going to hurt anyone - it's not permanent, I could take it out at any time.  (I had debated a little bit about the tattoo thing, but honestly?  I'm a HUGE sissy.  One poke with a needle or hours with a needle?  Easy decision - and again, I loved the nose ring thing.) In therapy, I was just getting to the point of learning how to say "I want" something.  Even simple things like "I want to eat this for breakfast" and "I want to listen to this song now" - those little steps were HUGE steps for me.  So when I broached the subject with Nancy, she encouraged me to search for a reputable place and go for it.

September 8th, I made an appointment to go get my nose pierced.  I knew the wife of the man who owned the parlor; she was wonderful, and so was he, when I finally got there.  I got lost (if you know me at all, you know that this is nothing surprising), and I had a slight manic panic phase on the way there, but I got there, and went to sit in the chair that is deceptivly like a dentist's chair.  I also had my ear cuff repierced while I was there, and he did that first.  It hurt like a booger, but I knew it would.  I was talking to his wife, who was standing in the room with us, when he pierced my nose, and I can honestly say, I did not feel a thing.  I walked out of there so proud of myself, and so thrilled with my nose piercing (even if it was a little red the first few days).

I know that it's just a piece of jewelry.  And I get that it's a little controversial, especially in conservative circles.  However, I didn't do it to get attention or to be controversial; it's a teeny tiny diamond stud.  A lot of people know me, see me, and don't even realize I have it pierced.  But for me, it was a huge step in doing something that I had WANTED to do for so long, but the only reason for not doing it was not rocking the boat.  Turns out that when I finally did it, the boat didn't rock that much anyway.  It's a decision I have never once regretted.

I have an 8.5 year old daughter.  She is so bright, like scary smart at times.  She's funny, and beautiful, and talented.  I think she's fabulous.  Recently, however, she's been having a craptastic time.  A lot of this has been brought on by her own decisions.  She's been disrespectful, distracted, and sort of a know-it-all.  It came to a big head this week, when teacher and mom contacted each other and conferred and realized that the same things were going on both places.  After several long talks with my kid, the realization struck me that she does not feel smart. Or funny. She feels ugly.  And stupid.  And like she is the least liked person in the world.  She's insecure and panicky and she's lashing out in frustration and anger because she is afraid.  Some of that lays on my head.  Some of that lays in her past.  Some of it lays on her own decision making.  But all of it - ALL of it - I could relate to.

Back when Melanie was 5 years old, she started asking if she could have a few pink stripes in her hair.  When she was 5, I kept saying no because of the proverbial boat.  I didn't want to rock it, and I didn't want to hear the crap about it.  I shut her out and down about it.  She kept asking, though.  Not in a nagging way - but just occasionally in a, "wow, someday I'd really like to have some pink stripes in my hair" kind of way.  Eventually we got to the place where I was feeling more bold (I had my nose pierced) and I said we could do it.  Due to circumstances I'd rather not get into, we were sort of shut down again.  We've had that hair dye sitting in the closet for a long time now.

Well yesterday, she and I were talking (after the whole big mess with the school and everything went down) and we were both really kind if spilling it out there.  She told me how afraid she was at school - not like physically afraid, but just that she wouldn't be good enough, and that she felt this pressure to be like everyone else - to do things just the way everyone else does, and to be 'the good reader' because that's what she's been labeled as, and to panic when she didn't get it right the first time, because she didn't want the attention on her.  We talked about some ways to do better with things like that, i.e., listen to the instructions all the way through before she started on her work, and asking the teacher a question, even if it's in private, if she needs help.  To take her time to double check her work before she turns it in.  To not boast or brag or make fun of others who are struggling (the same way that she struggles).  It was a good talk.

Then she says to me, "I wish I could have the pink stripe in my hair, mom. Not because I want people to look at it or not look at it or anything like that, but just because *I* will know it's there. Even if it's not bright pink, or if it washes out in a few weeks, I will know I had the pink stripe.  That pink stripe will be a brave stripe for me."

I have a nosering that's brave for me.  It's a symbolic thing of a huge step in my life. 

It's just freakin' hair. It will grow out and wash out and be back to how it was 3 hours ago in a matter of weeks, or we'll do it again if she wants. 

She sat thru the entire process.  She looks grown up.  She was OVERJOYED at the pink stripes.  Like - tears of joy.  She didn't say "I can't wait to show the kids at school!" or "I hope grandma and grandpa like it" or "I wonder what ______ will say?" (Boy's name omitted to protect the innocent).  She said "I have my brave stripe!! I LOVE this!!"

This is going to be another one of those days that I do not regret it one bit.  I might even go polish up my nosering a little bit. 

(Pictures upcoming when we get better light.) 

Showing my age

I guess I'm not showing it in the typical ways.  I mean, I have a few grey hairs, but thankfully my haircolor (the dirty blond/light brown thing) makes it look like highlights (or so I continue to convince myself).  I don't have any creaky body parts, although I have what I have affectionatly deemed my "Grandma Knee" (the right one), as it sometimes likes to just....freeze.  Or give out.   I'm not too rinkly or saggy yet, and I'm taking care of my skin. 

But here is what is showing my age.

1. My eye will NOT stop twitching.  I don't know if it is because I'm looking at the computer screen for too long, or if I'm too tired from not sleeping well, or if I need to eat another dozen bananas, or what.  It's not the twitchy eye that is the sign of age so much as it is my COMPLAINTS about the twitchy eye.  I feel like a crotchety old woman giving an organ recital about the doggon thing.  But when your kid tells you that you look like an alien from the side because of your eye spasming, you've got good reasons.  Maybe Maxine and I should team up and make a cartoon about that.

2.  Friends is on Nick at Nite.  HOW did this happen?  Friends is my all time favorite show, so it should not be on this channel.  This is the channel for older people who can not sleep at night.  Do I fit into that category?  Well, yes.  But still.  Nick at Nite?!

3.  I am cold all the time.  Especially my hands and feet.  Which leads me to...

4.  I am kntting fingerless gloves because I'm on the computer all day every day.  I just need to learn how to knit socks next.  It's on my list. 

So, there are my aging difficulties.  I'm still young at heart, though. :)

Sea of blankets

The house is still quiet, although people are beginning to not snore quite so heavily. The only thing I can hear is the sound of the fan, which whirrs away every night as white noise. There's one slight problem with my hearing there:

The furnace hasn't kicked on.

I'm pretty sure it was turned off a few days ago, because it was really very unseasonably warm. Beautiful, actually. Now? Not so much. Not so much at all!

It's the last Sunday morning before we get back into the swing of things. Schools. Driving here and there and having to make it on time. Being in the house alone a few days a week. Bedtimes that are pretty strict. Some old routines, some new ones.

Part of me can't wait. And part of me doesn't want to remove myself from under the mountain.

I wonder which side will win?

And so it begins!

This first day of the new year thing is totally intimidating for me. There's that whole new fresh start that I've been yearning for, and now that it's here, I'm afraid to do anything for fear that I'll mess up the newness. Is that totally wacked out or what?

I have been working on thoughts. I hesitate to call them resolutions, because they're not here because the year is new, or because it's a traditional time to make things different, but because I *need* to change the way things are happening. My personal life, my business, my parenting, my housekeeping, my blogging. It needs to occur in a different way so that it is serving me, and I'm not bound to it in a way that makes me feel like I'm losing who I am and am a prisoner to the whims of whatever is going on (a.k.a. - drama!!). I've spent the last two months looking for some tools and trying to find things and alter them to work best for me. I've had some success. And I have a long way to go.

I think I made huge progress in one area in 2010: comparing myself to others. Worrying about what other people think.

The thing I need to work on most for 2011: comparing myself to others. Worrying about what other people think.

I wonder if this will be a lifelong thing for me? If so, I need to figure out how to show myself a little more grace than I did in 2010. I was hard on myself. There has to be a balance there between striving for what you want and need and forgiving yourself when you screw it up. I don't have my footing on that beam yet.

Melanie will be 8 this year. EIGHT! How is that possible?! She was just 2! She was just not even able to talk. She called me "mommy" yesterday. Now I'm "mom". (That yesterday is not literal, but it sure feels like it!) She has read more books this year than I have, and that's not even an exaggeration. This child now recommends reading to me, which is also not an exaggeration. I started the Inkheart books on her recommendation, and I have to admit they're lovely. She's done that series, Harry Potter (twice, plus the audiobooks I don't even know how many times), Fablehaven, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, The Guardians of Ga'Hoole, and then dozens - maybe a hundred or more - odds and ends of books that weren't in a series. She has on her list for 2011 Little Women (the series), Little House on the Prairie (the series), more of The Boxcar Children (she's read some of these, but she gets frustrated with them because they're so fast for her - she can read one in an hour or a little more). She wants to work on her artwork, join the Girl Scouts, take a martial arts class, and make mixed cd's to practice becoming a DJ. She wants to journal in fun glittery pens and a leopard print journal. She would like to grow her hair out (if you'll recall the half-bald situation of 2010), grow an inch or so, and add 5 lbs to her weight. She's working diligently on self-control, watching her words, and breathing thru stressful situations. All of these things, minus the growing parts (I could do with some shrinking) sound like ideas I should incorporate into my own life! She's a wise little soul.

My word for the year is Fulfilled. The online dictionary says:

1. to carry out, or bring to realization, as a prophecy or promise.

2. to perform or do, as duty; obey or follow, as commands.

3. to satisfy (requirements, obligations, etc.): a book that fulfills a long-felt need.

4. to bring to an end; finish or complete, as a period of time: He felt that life was over when one had fulfilled his threescore years and ten.

5. to develop the full potential of

I think number 5 says it most clearly for me. The others have a small section in the whole, but really, I want to realize my full potential. Not for my whole life or anything, but for this year. For each month. Week. Day. It's not that I want to stuff it so full I can't breathe, but more that I don't want to. I want to live in the spaces. I want to plan it out, but in that plan, realize that there will be things that don't go according to exactly how I want them, and to breathe and be ok with that. I want to be satisfied - and to learn to be content; not content as in settling, but content as in...settled. Happy with what I've got, while I am happy with being able to work for more and towards more for myself and my family.

A big part of this for me is to simplify. I have too much stuff. The stuff is weighing me down - it needs to go away!

I want to eat simply and healthily. I want to cook for my family, clean it up afterward, and have it be a normal part of the day and not a stresser.

I want to move my body every day - not necessarily because I want or need to lose weight (I do), but because I need to not feel so dang stagnant. Whether than means going to the Y, or walking around the block, I just need 5 minutes.

I need to unplug an hour before bed, every single day. I need that hour to decompress. I need to unplug at least for part of a day every week, or a few times a day to just walk away from it all, including my phone. The joys of technology have become a constant over-stimulization for me, and it's wearing me out.

I need to read with my kiddo. Even though she reads so well on her own, and actually prefers it, she needs to hear me, and I need to hear her. We need it together.

I need to do some exercises in creativity. Mine is all constipated and stuff. Probably some white space in my life would help a lot.

I need to make some friends, and occasionally leave my house with one of them.

I guess need and want may be interchangeable in those sentences. I feel like I need them, but they may just be the things I want to do this year.

So. This is my deep post for the new year. I think that the rest won't all be quite so depth defying (ha! play on words) - but I'm not promising there won't be an occasional slip into one or two of these. I hope to share some recipes. Some before and after shots of little areas of my home that I'm going to get under my control (like the laundry, oh....the laundry!). I will share lots of funny stories about miss Melanie. Some about Brian, I'm sure too (although he tells his own stories pretty dang well!). I have some spiritual journeys to take. Some physical ones. There will be music, and books, and technology. And a blog makeover! YAY!

And maybe in the midst of it, I will learn how to spell.

Don't hold your breath on that last one! :)

My mortal enemy

Normally I try to post about lighthearted and/or humorous things on this here blog. I like being lighthearted and/or humorous. It makes me happy. However, since this is my blog, every once in a while I get to deviate from the norm. And today I am going to complain slightly.

Ok, more than slightly.

I'm overall a pretty upbeat person. I've been working on it even more lately - breathing deeply, taking in the moments (be they positive or negative) and really trying to expend energy in a good way. It's working for me. I have seen growth and improvement. I like it. But every day, to some degree or another, I battle this invisible, silent ick factor that this week is really getting my goat. (My goat's name is Gertrude, for the record.)

I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS for short). Or myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME for short). It's the same disease, and it has about 10 different names (literally). It's closely related to Fibromyalgia, but slightly different in some of it's symptoms and manifestations. They both suck. (That's the nicest thing I can say about it/them.) Everyone who has CFS feels differently on their worst day, and on their best. Really, I'm blessed, because some of the time I can do my day to day things with not a whole lot of backlash. I have to take more naps than the average Joe (although nap really isn't a good word for it, as sleep doesn't really come easily for someone with CFS). And I have to build in time for when my brain totally blanks out on me (I mean the kind of brain blanks that have nothing to do with having Facebook open too often). However, I realize that there are people who have it a lot worse than I do. I get that. And I am thankful.

The flip side of that coin comes when the hard days (or weeks or months, as it varies) kick in. When I lay awake every night for more than 2 weeks straight (literally). When I can't rest even when I lay down during the day. When my throat and mouth hurt SO badly that I can barely drink and/or swallow water, much less tea or food. When my muscles are so sore that it feels as if I have had the flu for two weeks and then taken a spill down the stairs on top of it and am bruised from head to toe. Or when I have to spend all day in the bathroom, lying on the floor beside the toilet with my blanket and pillow because I don't have the energy to go back and forth.I'm hot almost all of the time, but my hands and feet? Freezing. (Just ask poor Bri about that!) I catch *everything*. And if there's been stress involved recently? Forget about it. I'm down for the count. Or if I have a panic attack, it takes me days - or even weeks - to recover. If I'm sick sick on top of the CFS? Have mercy.

Truth is, even on my "good" days, it's hard. I'm tired. Tired is too weak of a word. I *hurt* from being tired. Like physically. I always have a sore throat. I almost always have a headache. I'm almost always behind, because even if I sleep for a few hours (4 is a LONG time for me), I don't feel like I've rested at all and I still can't concentrate or focus. The housework is almost always behind, and I have very little energy to spend on anything "extra". And if we do something fun or physical - like bowling, or going to the park, or staying out late the night before - I am toast for the next two or three days, and that's if I was on par before the outing.

I guess the most frustrating thing about this illness is that people don't get it. They don't get that it's a real thing, that it's serious, that it really is something that people have a lot of problems dealing with. It's not just 'being tired'. (Man, I wish!) If I say I'm tired, it's a whole different meaning than when Melanie says she's tired. (If I could bottle that energy....) I wish I had a unique way of explaining it that would make sense and make it as clear as it can be, but I fall short. I wish it was as easy as just 'resting for a while' to get better. Or that I could just 'take a break' and 'get right back to it'.

There's no cure for CFS. There's really not even any *treatment* for CFS. There are some treatments for the symptoms of CFS, but even that is so hit and miss that it frustrates the medical professionals as well as the patients. This disease doesn't manifest itself the same in any two people, ever. While some of the symptoms are the same across the board (there are some that you have to have to eventually (and I do mean after a long period eventually) come to this diagnosis), they're not the same extremity or longevity in any two people. My list of symptoms is long and icky. And it's not the same as anyone else, although there are documented studies on the connection with all of them to CFS. It's a confusing puzzle.

The good news is that there are some things that I can do. I can rest (or try to). The further behind I get, the more difficult it is to ever gain it back. I can watch what I eat and drink and how I take care of my body. I'm learning lately more and more certainly that The Cow and I do not get along - beef and dairy are just not my friends, period. Sugar? Bad things happen. Tea has TONS of good qualities that people with CFS and Fibro need - there are studies that show this over and over again. (Good thing for me that I love tea!) Water, water, water. I am trying a new sleep aid called melatonin. I've tried it before (many years ago) and it didn't do much for me, but the disease and our bodies change so much over time that I'm giving it another go (so far, not great - but I'm willing to give it a few days). I really should do yoga more, but the work of starting it sometimes makes it more of a bad thing than a good. Starting any physical activity sends my body into a tailspin, but if I can get past the original working-in phase, it would do me a lot of good to stretch out my muscles, which almost always feel cramped and tight and sore. Some of it can be helped by making good choices. Some if it cannot be helped no matter what I do.

I found a thing a while back that sort of explains it better than I ever could. It resonated with me. If you want to try to understand it but can't quite get the day to day 'hard' of it, this may help.

Brian is very supportive. Melanie is, too. I know they don't "get it" all the time. (Who does?) But they love me enough to try.

I guess that I am asking for a little patience and understanding. Maybe a little more knowledge and research. And gosh - wouldn't it be great to have someone figure out what makes this disease tick? That would rock.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the long and not all that positive post. I promise I'll get back to my regularly scheduled foot-in-mouth or tongue-in-cheek writing soon. I hope this helps bring it into a little more perspective for you though, and that you'll bear with me while I navigate this particularly hard cycle. I'd sure appreciate it! :)

It ' s morning...with other good news thrown in...

It's 7:03 EST.

That would be, 7:03 AM EST.

7:03. Seven oh three. In the MORNING!!

People who know me know that this is an event of significant note. While I am not always asleep at 7:03, I am very rarely vertical.

Not only am I vertical, I am showered. With face washed and ready for makeup, which is laid out in the bathroom ready to use after it de-steams in there. And I have my clothes picked out. And I'm considering starting the tea kettle (it may be TOO early for that mess!).

If we're going to brag and be all forthright and stuff here, I would have to say that I would have been here at 6:48 except Clevis (my friendly neighborhood laptop) was having a difficult time starting up this morning as I shut him all the way down last night in sheer frustration with WordPress. And then there was the other incident involving Sunny attacking my towel-clad head as I sat down on the couch because he was terrified and frightened.

So was I after I dislodged the cat from atop the towel that my head was wrapped in. It got rather dicey.

Especially for 6:fortysomething in the morning!

Now, I have to go ahead and admit that I didn't plan to get up this early. My alarm was not set to go off for 23 more minutes. But even 7:30 would have been a feat of monumental proportions for me. Mornings and I, we are not best friends forever. They are closely akin to a routine colonoscopy to me. Something intrusive and necessary with a lot of prep and not in the least desirable.  I've decided to try to change my view on them. (Mornings, not colonoscopies. There are limits to the madness.) Especially since they come every day and are rather an important part of life.

Last night I didn't sleep well at all. I read (I'm re-reading Blue Smoke by Nora Roberts, one I've read at least 4 times before, and I also read some more of The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown). I listened to a little music (this time it was nature sounds instead of tunes because I was sincerely trying to sleep instead of just relax). All of this was to no avail. Sleep was not my friend.

So, I thought.

There are a few things that I have been pondering as of late because there are changes in my life that need to be made. Some of them are not ready for public consumption. Some of them I will be slowly revealing here on the old bloggeroo. This is, after all, supposed to be my journey "Into the Thick of It", "It" being life with my thoughts and family and cats and work and the stuff that makes up who I am. If I can't be me here, then where can I be me?

One of the things that I *need* to do is to get up before everyone else. Not because I love mornings (heaven forbid the thought!), but because...I am hesitant to admit this...but...

OnceIamawakethisiswhenIdomybestthinking.

I hate even admitting that. But it's true.

Once I am awake, this IS when I do my best thinking.

Not my best creative work, per say. Heaven knows that my conversation is not at it's peak yet. I am not going to start scrubbing floors or rotating laundry (although that may become part of the whole here eventually).  I am probably not the easiest to be around other people yet, because my errm....charmingly rough edges have not worn down yet this early in the morning.

This early in the morning though, I am just by myself and my thoughts. I am more honest with myself. More optimistic and realistic. More prepared to make changes and kick my willpower into overdrive. More able to sit with the blank canvas of the day and make a list (or five). More able to step back and see what needs to change - not only for THIS day or THIS week, but for THIS woman. I don't know why it has to be this time of day, but it's time that I admit that for me, it is. If I wait much later than this, like when everyone else is up and moving too, these thoughts get crowded out and buried in the rubble of the day.

I'm tired of my thoughts being buried.

So, here are my random thoughts for today. And here's hoping that tomorrow I will have more (at this time of the day again!).

1. I've decided that "sufficiency" is going to be my word of the week. I have the tendency to say and/or think that I don't "have enough" of...well...most everything. Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough energy. Not enough sleep. Not a small enough butt. Not enough not enough not enough. (I'll admit that this line of thinking has been directly influenced by the Brené Brown book from above. We share that last accented é in our names. That was the clencher for me that she is a smarty pants.) I am re-training my thoughts. I do have enough time to do what's really important to me - it's how I use it that matters. I do have enough money to accomplish what I *need* to accomplish - again, it's a matter of choice and use. While I may not have the energy, sleep, butt, etc that I want - it's what I have. And what I have is a gift - every part of it. Even the hiney. (I could have NO ass, afterall. Then how would I sit?) It's time for me to change the way I think about what I have and remember that I have enough. More than enough. Sufficiency.


2. Being 30-something and having my skin change is a pain in the butt. It's dry. But it's oily. It has flakes. And pimples. My pores are big. I have bags under my eyes. In short: it is a LOT more work than it used to be. I need to take better care of my skin. I have a skin-care system and am determined to use it more diligently.


3. Sunny is afraid of the floor. He is also afraid of our bedroom. I do not know why. He is a cat with many neurosis. Which is probably why he fits so well into this family.


4. My house is a sty. My housekeeping skills are never what we would call "on the ball" - I sometimes eek by with "acceptable". But this is on the verge for even me. This afternoon will be "clean or die" time.


5. I have so many design ideas, which feels SO good! I have notebooks in my purse (yes - notebookS) and they are filled with sketches and thoughts and notes. I can't wait to open Photoshop and get to work today!


6. I am actually anxious for Melanie to wake up. I want some time with her this morning before those school people hog her all to themselves.


7. I'm excited about the changes behind the scenes in the plans for the blog. And a little scared.


8. I would like to paint my fingernails with clear polish sometime today.


9. I want to scrapbook my list of current favorite top 10 songs. That may have to happen with my new collection for this week.


10. Getting my camera battery fixed is on the top of the priority list for this week. I've gone too long without taking photos.

There are some of my random thoughts from this morning. (In the MORNING!)

Still can't believe it.

Anyway - in OTHER news....

YAY! It's anniversary time! That means that there will be games, fun, sales, new products, chats, and all sorts of other frivolity and fun! Plus there's a beautiful free kit with purchase and lots of other fun stuff.

The designers made these cool JIF6 collections for you to scrap fast and beautiful pages. They come with the layered page already there for you, so all you have to do is Just Insert Foto. They're all designed with the same color scheme in mind, so you can mix and match and have a blast making an entire album if you want!! Here's my contribution:

There are TONS of other beautiful ones in the store too, so check them out whilst you're grabbing mine (wink wink!!)

I hope that everyone is having a great Monday, and will have a great week. I also hope that you'll come back and share some of it with me. You can follow me via your favorite blog reader (I have this one for my iPhone) or get updates via email. We could get to know one another. It could be fun!

P.S. - Please, PLEASE pardon the construction as I get the blog up to snuff. As you can see, I have done something totally funky and beside itself to the footer, because the original theme had some link to an online pharmacy in the UK. I have nothing against pharmacies or the UK, but I didn't want it embedded in my blog, so I tried to fix it myself and you get this mess. However, I did manage to put my own header on here and make some of my own buttons to replace the generic theme ones, and I changed some colors, too. There is help on the way for me (thank GOODNESS) and I will do my best to make this ugly phase as short lived as possible! Thank you for your kind support.

Cosmetics...both facial and bloggal...

I'm not sure bloggal is a word (as it is underlined in red I would assume not - but well...it's my blog and I can occasionally make up words if I want to. I am the author) but it works for what I mean here. As you can see - new header. Love this collection. It took me WAY too long to finish - but hopefully my muse is back firmly planted next to my backbone and things can continue to run smoothly. There are still things I want to do with the header/buttons/etc, but I'm working on that. I also found those cool widgets over there --->, one for music (which ROCKS - it lists them and links them to videos and albums and websites and everything!) and also one that lists my books and stuff. I love the info on the book one too, although I order mainly from B&N because I have a nook, which I love almost as much as I love my cats. (I'll do another whole post about my nook and it's accoutrement soon. It's on my list.) I'd like to mess with the looks of things a little bit still - I'm working on that as well. As for cosmetics of the facial type, I actually purchased a few things of makeup this past week, and used it. And, I did my eyebrows. Guys, you have NO IDEA how badly this needed done. It was...sad. And a little gross. I feel like a different person with shaped brows. I need to just keep up with it instead of having to go around looking like Lurch for an extended period of time. Makeup. Right. (Sorry.) My face has gone thru "the change" recently. I don't know if it's my age (which we are not going to discuss today) or if it's the change of season or local or what happened there, but it went from having slightly-oily-everywhere-and-very-oily-tzone to flaky-dry-everywhere-but-especially-the-tzone almost overnight. I ran out of my foundation from Mary Kay, which I liked but didn't really *love*, so I wanted to try something I wouldn't feel guilty buying if I didn't LOVE it. I ended up with this in the 720 Creamy Natural color. I really, really like it. It felt like it was powdery-smooth going on, but didn't leave me feeling like a ghost or anything afterward. Wasn't heavy or greasy, and was a really nice finish without being cakey. I also picked up this eyecolor line. (I picked up the shadows, mascara, and eyeliner for brown eyes, and will probably get the green eye set as well - since my eyes sort of go back and forth in their hazel-ness.) I have to say that eyes are probably my favorite part of makeup, although I know it takes the whole to make it work. But eyeliner...I love eyeliner. Anyway - I loved these eyeshadows. The colors were not ones I'd probably pick out to go together, but on the eye - they were GREAT! I loved the gold that was the highlight color, and when I placed that in the inner corner of my eye, it really did make my eyes pop. As I am currently sans contact lenses, and am hiding behind my specs, I need all the help I can get. The eyeliner was soft and smooth, but not mushy or crumbly, and the mascara covered great without getting gooky. All in all, a successful trip to Target was had. I still need an eyebrow comb (mine broke) and maybe some eyebrow primer stuff. I temporarily forgot how much fun it was to at least attempt to look good. :) Perhaps I should keep it up! Lots of fun stuff coming up this week. New blog changes and updates, fun posts, themes, new products. Just lots of goodness. Hope you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed getting it all ready! Stay tuned for some fun Melanie stories too. That kid is a hoot as always!

If $$ were no issue...

I was thinking about lots of things last night and today. I had lots of time to think, as I did not do any sleeping. It's been a while since I've had a night like that though, and if you know me at all, you know that sleeplessness is part of my life - so much so that I normally don't even notice it. I guess the fact that I did notice a sleepless night tells me that I have been having less of them lately, so I'll be thankful for that little fact and move on.

This particular sleepless night, I came out to the living room to lay down (long story - but suffice it to say there were more males in the bed than there was room for us all, so someone had to go).  I was thankful to be out here, actually, because I was COLD. I curled up in a blanket and listened to a few newer albums on my iPod, whilst spraying Sunny in the face every five minutes because he kept yeowling at me and trying to bite my toes. Once he settled down (and was snuggling with me - very un-Sunny-like), I continued to lay here and think, all bundled up in my blanket and jammies.

One of the things that I've been exploring as of late are different ways to train my thoughts. Focusing on positive thinking and knowing that outlook is so much of the battle of day to day life is becoming more and more apparent to me. My own spirituality is going through what I will carefully call a "transition" as of late; no definite changes have been made, but I've been mulling on things for a long time.  Anyway, one of the exercises that a good friend recommended to me was to play the "What If" game. What if there were no obstacles - what would be happening in your life? If money, if time, if circumstances were no hinderence, then what would you do?

I doodled this in my notebook and thought it through for a while, and then mulled on it more for a good part of the day today. You know what? There's no much that would change for me.

At first this scared me - I though, sheesh! I must not have very big dreams if nothing is really going to change if I get what I want. But then I stopped and thought that through...maybe I have what I really want already. And isn't that a GOOD thing?

What things would change with more money, more time, and smoothness of circumstances? Well, a few fundamental things.

Legally, things would be smooth as buttah with some issues I've had hanging around for years. Does it change my day to day life? Nope. But it would take a little stress off of things. It doesn't change my relationships though, or how I parent or how I love or how I'm friends with people. So it'd be nice, and it's something I'm going to continue to work for, but it's not going to change who I am fundamentally.

Financially, I would be able to pay all of my bills the day the paper came in the mail instead of scrambling. We don't scramble every bill, every month, but some times it is a stretch. Again though, this is something that I am already working on, and I see light at the end of the proverbial tunnel and progress each month. It's also not going to change who I am fundamentally. The only other thing I can think financially that might change is that I would be able to enroll Melanie into some things that we currently can't do - like gymnastics or karate. Will she be a poor under-priviledged kid if we don't have those things? Nope. It'd just be something 'nice'.  I might fix my car (which looks like it has been hit by a semi-truck....because, well, it has been). But I have no other huge things that I am dying to have financially. And that space between breathing room and scramble isn't too much of a gap anymore. Not everyone can say that.

Time wise, I would like to have some time off. This, I have discovered, is  a choice more than it is needing time handed to me on a plate. I have the same amount of time right now as I will ever have. Sure, some things are going to change here soon - Brian is getting more and more healthy as time goes on, and pretty soon he will be jetting about by himself to get back and forth to school. This will in turn change the way my day is scheduled and so that will change things - but I still will not have any more time than I currently do. Every one gets the same amount of time per 24 hours. I just need to decide how I'm going to spend mine. How I take care of myself - from self-care (like cutting my toenails, which I put off until I've made someone (or myself) bleed) - to what music I'm listening to and books I'm reading - is a choice that I need to put forth and take care of. I'm making some changes already - in what I eat and how I relax at night, in not taking as many medications and treating ailments with foods and rest (shock!) instead of insulating everything with a quick fix. It's making a difference - and money or time will not change those things. It's choices.

I guess there are little things that I'd like to change - but a lot of it is attainable already with different choices on my part, and no other changes. Makes me think a lot. And it makes me thankful.

Who knew I'd be in a place where I wouldn't change a thing? Who knew I'd be in a position where I can feasibly change what I want?

What a cool and delicate balance :)!

Irksome illness

Good mor*coughcoughcough*....

*sniff*

Good Morn*coughcoughCOUGH*...

*aCHOO!*

*sniff sniff*

Goo*coughcoughcoughCOUGHHACKUPALUNG!*

*clear throat*

(said in my best man sized voice:)

Good Morning. If you don't recognize me, it is me, Chere...I just don't sound like myself. I sort of sound like that man at the bar who likes to wear your favorite eye shadow and a dress that's way too short for his legs. But I promise that it is still me.

People, I am sick.

I'm sitting here at the school while Brian is in class, with my faithful Clevis (the laptop) plugged in to work, but first I had to clear my chest (no pun intended). My blog has been sorely neglected, although I have taken to carrying around a little Myndology ring pad for blogging ideas - and the little thing is full and overflowing - but do you see me writing them? No. What am I doing instead?

Coughing.

To be fair to this cough (even though in my opinion it deserves no fairness. I hate it's hacking guts), I haven't been coughing the entire time I've been absent. I've been typing medical transcription. And designing stuff. And driving people from hither to yon. And buying books for a 7 year old who won't quit reading. And having family visit. And not sleeping. And not eating meat. (Those are topics for a different day. And yes, they are in my Mindology notebook).  In other words, I've been neglecting my blog. It's the story of my life (again, no pun intended).

So today I am here to tell you about the fact that A) I am sick, and B) I sound like a man, and C) I have a new Starbucks travel mug that I got on clearance that is currently housing my luke warm tea because I didn't let the kettle get all the way to a boil this morning because I was running around late due to the coughing fit I had while in the shower.

(I'm a little salty about the cough.)

Blah.

In other news, and a little more pressing, I've decided to not do medical transcription any longer. I have decided to live a life of non-conformity and really chase what I want to do - which is to design scrapbooking things and blog like the wind. I'm reading the book, and it's just cementing what I already had chosen at one point to do - I just got a little turned around along the way. So, I have a big notebook (surprise, surprise, considering my love of all things school supplyish) and am making my plans accordingly. I'm excited. I'm terrified.

I need to get to work!

I have so many half finished projects that I just put on hold that really need to be pulled out and finished. The time has come.

On that note, I'm going to go pack everything up so that I can go to the bathroom (the joys of working at a university) and then get to work. I'll be back with more info and details soon.

ttfn!