Into The Thick of It

Contrast

I wish this was a tutorial about contrast in Photoshop.  That would be so cool. Alas, as much as I love and use Photoshop, the contrast setting is one I do not know enough about myself, much less enough to teach others.  I'll have to study up on that for sure.

This is about contrast in my life.  Days feel like such a mixture of light and dark right now, that it's hard for me to stay in focus.  There is no balance and I am on the precipice of falling into a deep, dark hole, or stumbling up a huge flight of stairs...I can't figure out which one.  Either way is going to leave a bruise.

There are so many GOOD things happening right now.  Melanie is flourishing. My family is close. I love my work. I still love music. I feel like I'm on the cusp of so many things - terrifying and exciting and terrific all at once.

There are so many heavy weights right now, too.  Waiting.  Lack of alone time.  Physical fatigue in a way that I have never experienced.  Lack of time to read (my soul feels thirsty).  The day to day cares that should flutter by at the end of each day seem to be choosing to land and stay - and instead of weighing a feather, they weigh like a stone.  Rather, a boulder. 

My heart beats so fast, and so unsteadily.  I cannot decide if this is a physical or emotional thing - or if there is a difference.  At the end of the day, the effect is the same.  I tremble almost constantly.  When I close my eyes, there are vivid colors and sharp angles and lines and ultra focused images - but no rest.  This is also indiscernible as to whether it is a positive or a negative - or maybe it is neither, and just too much.

This isn't a flighty and fun post.  I have flighty and fun moments still.  Funny moments.  Lots of laughter and love and life.  But right now, in the alone of this moment, it is blurry. 

My eyes need respite.  My heart needs a break.  My soul needs quiet.  Good or bad, or whatever it is that is filling my days - I just need to breathe.

 

My top 10 right now.

I'm having one of those days that is wearing me down, physically and emotionally, so instead of sliding into the deep dark slimey pit, I'm going to list 10 things that I love, right now. 

1. I love that I have a cat named Zazzles.  This of course leads me to my love of Sheldon, which in turn leads me to my love of The Big Bang Theory, but I'm going to only count this as one, because well - Zazzles is my kitty, and she deserves a big #1.

2. I love these three adorable kittens that Zazzles had.  They are starting to become more mobile and adventurous and so. darn. cute.  I mean seriously, Pumpkin could win awards!  He's so fuzzy - or to quote one of my favorite movies - "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!!" .

3. I love music.  I realize that I still (even living on 'my own' and having the ability and time to choose my own) worry about what other people think about my music choices.  Yesterday morning, I watched CMT on tv for a little while.  And seriously, Keith Urban?  Hot and talented.

4. I love my new TV. Thank you, brother of mine.

5. I love tea.  Jasmine Mint Green is my favorite right now, but I really don't turn my nose up at much!

6. I love my kid.  I realize that this appears that she is pretty far down on the list, but that's not really true.  We have had a rough few days though.  And I still love her.  I'm lucky to be her mom.

7. I love learning. I know that I don't have as much education or articulate as clearly as some others do, but I do love to learn new things.  I'm reading a book on philosophy right now, and it's so good.  I would be reading book 3 of my series that I mentioned in my last post, alas, I accidentally ordered it in German, so I have to wait and get it in English. (Talk about a duh moment - I don't speak a lick of German except to bless people when the sneeze.)

8. I love that I have good things coming up.  I don't like that I can't spill the beans yet, but I do like that I have a secret worth keeping. :) Stay tuned for more on that.

9. I love that my birthday is coming up.  This is sort of a love/hate thing, to be honest.  My age is going to be precariously close to a BIG one.  Yikes!  But I do love having a birthday.  At least I survived another year!

10. I love Rock Band and Guitar Hero.  Yes, I realize that I am old enough to have a BIG birthday coming up.  I'm not a teen or a preteen or some pimply guy who lives in his mother's basement.  I'm a single mom with two cats and moderate musical ability in 'real life'.  However, I love that game.  I love the challenge of it, and the songs on it, and the whole nine yards.  I can't wait to play it again.  (Amanda and I often play together, which is very fun.)

You know, I could probably come up with 10 more now that I'm on a roll.  This exercise proved helpful.  So now I'm going to go play Rock Band and not care if I like the song that is country or poppy or anything else weird - I'm just going to enjoy!

Stripes, piercings and who we are

Some of you know me, have known me, for a long time.  In a brief summary, I had a horrible breakdown in 2008, lost most of what I had identified myself as being, except for my child, and really just sort of sucked for a long time.  Therapy came into the picture - and quite literally saved my life. Had Nancy not had confidence in me, and encouraged me to face things straight on, I would definitely not still be on this earth.  

One of the things that happened long before the breakdown in 2008 was a fascination with getting my nose pierced.  I didn't do it, because I was on staff at a church, and on the platform every morning, and I knew it wouldn't fly.  I kept talking to those close to me about it, but kept being encouraged to just let it go.  In the fall of 2009 I really started thinking about it again.  I even talked to my therapist, Nancy, about it.  I wasn't insane, I wasn't searching for anything to prove, I wasn't rebelling; it was something that I had wanted for a long time - a way to express who I was deep down inside.  It wasn't going to hurt anyone - it's not permanent, I could take it out at any time.  (I had debated a little bit about the tattoo thing, but honestly?  I'm a HUGE sissy.  One poke with a needle or hours with a needle?  Easy decision - and again, I loved the nose ring thing.) In therapy, I was just getting to the point of learning how to say "I want" something.  Even simple things like "I want to eat this for breakfast" and "I want to listen to this song now" - those little steps were HUGE steps for me.  So when I broached the subject with Nancy, she encouraged me to search for a reputable place and go for it.

September 8th, I made an appointment to go get my nose pierced.  I knew the wife of the man who owned the parlor; she was wonderful, and so was he, when I finally got there.  I got lost (if you know me at all, you know that this is nothing surprising), and I had a slight manic panic phase on the way there, but I got there, and went to sit in the chair that is deceptivly like a dentist's chair.  I also had my ear cuff repierced while I was there, and he did that first.  It hurt like a booger, but I knew it would.  I was talking to his wife, who was standing in the room with us, when he pierced my nose, and I can honestly say, I did not feel a thing.  I walked out of there so proud of myself, and so thrilled with my nose piercing (even if it was a little red the first few days).

I know that it's just a piece of jewelry.  And I get that it's a little controversial, especially in conservative circles.  However, I didn't do it to get attention or to be controversial; it's a teeny tiny diamond stud.  A lot of people know me, see me, and don't even realize I have it pierced.  But for me, it was a huge step in doing something that I had WANTED to do for so long, but the only reason for not doing it was not rocking the boat.  Turns out that when I finally did it, the boat didn't rock that much anyway.  It's a decision I have never once regretted.

I have an 8.5 year old daughter.  She is so bright, like scary smart at times.  She's funny, and beautiful, and talented.  I think she's fabulous.  Recently, however, she's been having a craptastic time.  A lot of this has been brought on by her own decisions.  She's been disrespectful, distracted, and sort of a know-it-all.  It came to a big head this week, when teacher and mom contacted each other and conferred and realized that the same things were going on both places.  After several long talks with my kid, the realization struck me that she does not feel smart. Or funny. She feels ugly.  And stupid.  And like she is the least liked person in the world.  She's insecure and panicky and she's lashing out in frustration and anger because she is afraid.  Some of that lays on my head.  Some of that lays in her past.  Some of it lays on her own decision making.  But all of it - ALL of it - I could relate to.

Back when Melanie was 5 years old, she started asking if she could have a few pink stripes in her hair.  When she was 5, I kept saying no because of the proverbial boat.  I didn't want to rock it, and I didn't want to hear the crap about it.  I shut her out and down about it.  She kept asking, though.  Not in a nagging way - but just occasionally in a, "wow, someday I'd really like to have some pink stripes in my hair" kind of way.  Eventually we got to the place where I was feeling more bold (I had my nose pierced) and I said we could do it.  Due to circumstances I'd rather not get into, we were sort of shut down again.  We've had that hair dye sitting in the closet for a long time now.

Well yesterday, she and I were talking (after the whole big mess with the school and everything went down) and we were both really kind if spilling it out there.  She told me how afraid she was at school - not like physically afraid, but just that she wouldn't be good enough, and that she felt this pressure to be like everyone else - to do things just the way everyone else does, and to be 'the good reader' because that's what she's been labeled as, and to panic when she didn't get it right the first time, because she didn't want the attention on her.  We talked about some ways to do better with things like that, i.e., listen to the instructions all the way through before she started on her work, and asking the teacher a question, even if it's in private, if she needs help.  To take her time to double check her work before she turns it in.  To not boast or brag or make fun of others who are struggling (the same way that she struggles).  It was a good talk.

Then she says to me, "I wish I could have the pink stripe in my hair, mom. Not because I want people to look at it or not look at it or anything like that, but just because *I* will know it's there. Even if it's not bright pink, or if it washes out in a few weeks, I will know I had the pink stripe.  That pink stripe will be a brave stripe for me."

I have a nosering that's brave for me.  It's a symbolic thing of a huge step in my life. 

It's just freakin' hair. It will grow out and wash out and be back to how it was 3 hours ago in a matter of weeks, or we'll do it again if she wants. 

She sat thru the entire process.  She looks grown up.  She was OVERJOYED at the pink stripes.  Like - tears of joy.  She didn't say "I can't wait to show the kids at school!" or "I hope grandma and grandpa like it" or "I wonder what ______ will say?" (Boy's name omitted to protect the innocent).  She said "I have my brave stripe!! I LOVE this!!"

This is going to be another one of those days that I do not regret it one bit.  I might even go polish up my nosering a little bit. 

(Pictures upcoming when we get better light.) 

Showing my age

I guess I'm not showing it in the typical ways.  I mean, I have a few grey hairs, but thankfully my haircolor (the dirty blond/light brown thing) makes it look like highlights (or so I continue to convince myself).  I don't have any creaky body parts, although I have what I have affectionatly deemed my "Grandma Knee" (the right one), as it sometimes likes to just....freeze.  Or give out.   I'm not too rinkly or saggy yet, and I'm taking care of my skin. 

But here is what is showing my age.

1. My eye will NOT stop twitching.  I don't know if it is because I'm looking at the computer screen for too long, or if I'm too tired from not sleeping well, or if I need to eat another dozen bananas, or what.  It's not the twitchy eye that is the sign of age so much as it is my COMPLAINTS about the twitchy eye.  I feel like a crotchety old woman giving an organ recital about the doggon thing.  But when your kid tells you that you look like an alien from the side because of your eye spasming, you've got good reasons.  Maybe Maxine and I should team up and make a cartoon about that.

2.  Friends is on Nick at Nite.  HOW did this happen?  Friends is my all time favorite show, so it should not be on this channel.  This is the channel for older people who can not sleep at night.  Do I fit into that category?  Well, yes.  But still.  Nick at Nite?!

3.  I am cold all the time.  Especially my hands and feet.  Which leads me to...

4.  I am kntting fingerless gloves because I'm on the computer all day every day.  I just need to learn how to knit socks next.  It's on my list. 

So, there are my aging difficulties.  I'm still young at heart, though. :)

A noble pursuit

I've often thought about what I'd like to do with my life. (Because you know, I don't really "DO" anything right now.)

When I was in highschool, I was going to do something with music. Performance, perhaps, or teaching. I thought also of musical psychology, or something else in a psychology field. I've thought about majoring in languages - French, Spanish, Japanese (the last one was rather fleeting). I thought about doing something with a degree in graphic design, which still niggles back and forth in my brains sometimes. I want to do something that will be fulfilling (my word for the year) and also help others.

This morning, I've figured it out.

I'm going to figure out what the hell is going on inside a cat's brain.

Think about it: the untold depths will be finally demystified!

Here are my current reasons for my new-found passion.

Sunny & Butch.

Butchy. Isn't he sweet?

Sundance. Awwww....

Butch. What a Christmas miracle!

Sunny and his new girlfriend, Victoria, in their cozy home-away-from-home. (Melanie does NOT love this, for what it's worth.)

Butch and Brian. Butch, especially, just wants some peace and quiet. Dangit.

Melanie & Sunny. He would like to stop the photo ops so he can rest with his girl.

See? They're SO sweet! They're wonderful. They're....

This is so wrong. These cats are delightful for about 3/10 of the day. The rest of the time they are PURE. EVIL.

I can't catch the evil on film. I think that's one of their mystic cat-powers that I'd like to discover.

They're terrors. They're spazzes. They're so...catty!!

I don't understand it, really. You'd think that when their humans are up and about and happy and energetic, they'd like to join in the partay and do their kitty thang at the same time. (I think right there is my first mistake - we are not their humans. They just live with us and make us think that they like us in order to get the good kibble.)

These boys though, if there is activity of any human sort, run and hide. Butch will go right under the couch. Sunny will hide behind the blinds in one of the windows.

However, when the humans calmo-relaxo, and it's time for quiet and peace, these guys decide that that is for the birds.

Birds? What? Where? RUN!!!

(See?! They're rubbing off on me!)

Our Christmas tree? It has been a cat playground. The bottom half of it is bare naked. The tree skirt looks like a rag in a pile. We have ornaments all over the house, and we'll probably find them by sometime around Halloween.

Their food bowl? It's not a bowl. It's just a vessel for them to empty all over my kitchen floor. Their water bowl? It's just a place for Butch to insert his paw, and consistently and repeatedly fwap out the water into the food bowl, so that the 5 pieces of kibble that are left in the bowl are all turned to mush, which neither of them will eat. They will sit there beside the bowl and meow at me until I empty it, wash it, and refill it with fresh kibble, so that they can dump and then mushify the new stuff.

Brian's new bathrobe? Totally Butch's bed.

My new basket? Totally Sunny's new resting place.

Melanie's everything? It's just an excuse for them to place their fuzzy butts and or paws on it all.

Butch is a dandy. He doesn't like to be mussed or fussed. He wants everything just in place, and doesn't like it when his way isn't had. He's long-legged with a perfect white bow-tie mustache. However, he snores and growls in his sleep and talks back like he thinks he's human.

Sunny is a big orange fuzzy meatloaf. He is like Al Bundy with a tail. He farts and sits with his legs wide open and eats all the live long day. He has to weigh 20 lbs.He looks at you with slitted eyes because he's too lazy to open them all the way up...unless there is perhaps bacon involved.

Some days, I want to string them up. They make me CA-razy! Then they go and do something cute.

And then I realize - they're just like me. They've got their quirks. Their weird times of day, and their normal times of day. They are sometimes lovable, sometimes annoying. They need loved up, and they need disciplined.

They need a Valium.

I guess in order to understand these guys, I need to probably understand myself a little more.

Ha! I just laughed out loud. Good luck to me!

Sea of blankets

The house is still quiet, although people are beginning to not snore quite so heavily. The only thing I can hear is the sound of the fan, which whirrs away every night as white noise. There's one slight problem with my hearing there:

The furnace hasn't kicked on.

I'm pretty sure it was turned off a few days ago, because it was really very unseasonably warm. Beautiful, actually. Now? Not so much. Not so much at all!

It's the last Sunday morning before we get back into the swing of things. Schools. Driving here and there and having to make it on time. Being in the house alone a few days a week. Bedtimes that are pretty strict. Some old routines, some new ones.

Part of me can't wait. And part of me doesn't want to remove myself from under the mountain.

I wonder which side will win?

And so it begins!

This first day of the new year thing is totally intimidating for me. There's that whole new fresh start that I've been yearning for, and now that it's here, I'm afraid to do anything for fear that I'll mess up the newness. Is that totally wacked out or what?

I have been working on thoughts. I hesitate to call them resolutions, because they're not here because the year is new, or because it's a traditional time to make things different, but because I *need* to change the way things are happening. My personal life, my business, my parenting, my housekeeping, my blogging. It needs to occur in a different way so that it is serving me, and I'm not bound to it in a way that makes me feel like I'm losing who I am and am a prisoner to the whims of whatever is going on (a.k.a. - drama!!). I've spent the last two months looking for some tools and trying to find things and alter them to work best for me. I've had some success. And I have a long way to go.

I think I made huge progress in one area in 2010: comparing myself to others. Worrying about what other people think.

The thing I need to work on most for 2011: comparing myself to others. Worrying about what other people think.

I wonder if this will be a lifelong thing for me? If so, I need to figure out how to show myself a little more grace than I did in 2010. I was hard on myself. There has to be a balance there between striving for what you want and need and forgiving yourself when you screw it up. I don't have my footing on that beam yet.

Melanie will be 8 this year. EIGHT! How is that possible?! She was just 2! She was just not even able to talk. She called me "mommy" yesterday. Now I'm "mom". (That yesterday is not literal, but it sure feels like it!) She has read more books this year than I have, and that's not even an exaggeration. This child now recommends reading to me, which is also not an exaggeration. I started the Inkheart books on her recommendation, and I have to admit they're lovely. She's done that series, Harry Potter (twice, plus the audiobooks I don't even know how many times), Fablehaven, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, The Guardians of Ga'Hoole, and then dozens - maybe a hundred or more - odds and ends of books that weren't in a series. She has on her list for 2011 Little Women (the series), Little House on the Prairie (the series), more of The Boxcar Children (she's read some of these, but she gets frustrated with them because they're so fast for her - she can read one in an hour or a little more). She wants to work on her artwork, join the Girl Scouts, take a martial arts class, and make mixed cd's to practice becoming a DJ. She wants to journal in fun glittery pens and a leopard print journal. She would like to grow her hair out (if you'll recall the half-bald situation of 2010), grow an inch or so, and add 5 lbs to her weight. She's working diligently on self-control, watching her words, and breathing thru stressful situations. All of these things, minus the growing parts (I could do with some shrinking) sound like ideas I should incorporate into my own life! She's a wise little soul.

My word for the year is Fulfilled. The online dictionary says:

1. to carry out, or bring to realization, as a prophecy or promise.

2. to perform or do, as duty; obey or follow, as commands.

3. to satisfy (requirements, obligations, etc.): a book that fulfills a long-felt need.

4. to bring to an end; finish or complete, as a period of time: He felt that life was over when one had fulfilled his threescore years and ten.

5. to develop the full potential of

I think number 5 says it most clearly for me. The others have a small section in the whole, but really, I want to realize my full potential. Not for my whole life or anything, but for this year. For each month. Week. Day. It's not that I want to stuff it so full I can't breathe, but more that I don't want to. I want to live in the spaces. I want to plan it out, but in that plan, realize that there will be things that don't go according to exactly how I want them, and to breathe and be ok with that. I want to be satisfied - and to learn to be content; not content as in settling, but content as in...settled. Happy with what I've got, while I am happy with being able to work for more and towards more for myself and my family.

A big part of this for me is to simplify. I have too much stuff. The stuff is weighing me down - it needs to go away!

I want to eat simply and healthily. I want to cook for my family, clean it up afterward, and have it be a normal part of the day and not a stresser.

I want to move my body every day - not necessarily because I want or need to lose weight (I do), but because I need to not feel so dang stagnant. Whether than means going to the Y, or walking around the block, I just need 5 minutes.

I need to unplug an hour before bed, every single day. I need that hour to decompress. I need to unplug at least for part of a day every week, or a few times a day to just walk away from it all, including my phone. The joys of technology have become a constant over-stimulization for me, and it's wearing me out.

I need to read with my kiddo. Even though she reads so well on her own, and actually prefers it, she needs to hear me, and I need to hear her. We need it together.

I need to do some exercises in creativity. Mine is all constipated and stuff. Probably some white space in my life would help a lot.

I need to make some friends, and occasionally leave my house with one of them.

I guess need and want may be interchangeable in those sentences. I feel like I need them, but they may just be the things I want to do this year.

So. This is my deep post for the new year. I think that the rest won't all be quite so depth defying (ha! play on words) - but I'm not promising there won't be an occasional slip into one or two of these. I hope to share some recipes. Some before and after shots of little areas of my home that I'm going to get under my control (like the laundry, oh....the laundry!). I will share lots of funny stories about miss Melanie. Some about Brian, I'm sure too (although he tells his own stories pretty dang well!). I have some spiritual journeys to take. Some physical ones. There will be music, and books, and technology. And a blog makeover! YAY!

And maybe in the midst of it, I will learn how to spell.

Don't hold your breath on that last one! :)

Happy Christmas!

This day started off a little wonky, but I'm just going to chalk it up to Morning. It has that effect.

It has turned out to be one of the best days ever. And that's saying something!

We had a wonderful time with family - just a few - came fir a yummy yummy lunch - ham, famous green beans. Tasty taters and gravy, corn. And cheesecake for dessert. I might go back for more of the green beans!

I was a little nervous/uncertain about everything. We didn't purchase much this year; it was a VERY scaled down affair. Melanie received 4 gifts, none of them over $20. I thought she might be disappointed or looking for more - but not true. She is thrilled! She has said several times that this is her best Christmas ever. I have to say that I agree!

I'm really blessed. She's a sweet girl. And I have a man who loves me, and whom I love. We have family who supports us and loves us and who are fun to be around. What wonderful gifts!!

Plus - my iPhone wordpress app works finally!! Merry Christmas to me:-)!

Feeling all swirly...

I just realized that I have quite a few drafts here in the ole dashboard waiting to be finished up, or added photos to, or links, or thought thru to finish the story. But instead of finishing one of those, what do I do? Start another of course.

For the record, I'm still *wanting* to reverb10 myself - but I am struggling with the following dilemmas. I hope to catch up and participate on at least some of the prompts though. They're terrific!

I'm feeling all swirly and stuff. So many emotions - not all of them good or bad or anything - they're just all so...gloppy. That's the only word that I can think of that really describes it, and such a succinct and poetic word it is. *insert eye roll* They all feel stuck together though, and nothing is really clear or breathable...like I can't sit and pick an emotion out to breathe thru it and clarify, because they're all so tacky (not in a flea market way, but in a bread dough way). I really need some clarity.

Another swirly issue: it's two days before Christmas. We have plans for tonight, and then plans for tomorrow night, and then plans for Saturday - and some of those plans are here at my house, which means we are cleaning and organizing and trying to make it all celebratory and stuff. It's actually not in bad shape, it just needs a little spiffing up. I don't know the details for some of those plans yet - which is a little bit disconcerting. I like knowing what's going on. When I don't know, it makes me....swirly.

Herein lies the main thrust of the issue, I do believe:I don't sleep. Like, I really don't sleep.

I *try* to sleep. I go to bed at night, even at decent hours. I lay there quietly and count my breaths. I listen to sleepy music. Or I lay in the quiet. Or I read until I can't keep my eyeballs open any longer. I stick one foot out of the covers so it stays cool (it's a weird thing that I always do. Drives Brian nuts). I end up laying there for hours and then I pick up my phone and read past blog posts on my RSS Reader app thingy. Then I check Facebook. Then I tweet. Then I put the phone down and try to count my breaths again.

Sometimes I achieve this floaty, relaxed state where I feel pretty good - but I'm still totally aware of what is going on. It's like that "oh, I could so easily go to sleep right now" feeling - except that I never actually GO!

Sometimes during the day, I get so foggy in the brain that I can't even sit up anymore, so I go lay down, or I lay on the couch. The same ding-dang thing happens. I lay there and sometimes I drift off - but NEVER for more than an hour, and most of the time it's that stupid floaty-I-*could*-sleep state, but I never really get there.

People. I *need* to sleep. I *love* to sleep. I haven't slept, not solidly and peacefully, in weeks. Literally.

So, that would account for a large portion of the swirlyness.

I'm looking forward to spending some time with friends and family these next several days. I'm looking forward to some down time with Melanie for the rest of her vacation. I'm really looking forward to finding my muse again and getting a lot of work done. I *miss* being creative - but for me, I have a hard time being creative when I am all swirly.It feels all clogged up.

Probably because of the gloppiness.Gloppyness. Gloppy-ness.

So today I'm going to try to de-swirl a little bit. I'm going to give myself a little time to clean and declutter a little. (Melanie is already helping me on this. Love that girl.) And then, I'm going to give myself permission. (I'm a rule follower, so sometimes I need permission slips.)

• I'm giving myself permission to throw some things away. We have too much junk. It makes me gloppy.


• I'm giving myself permission to take a nap if I need to. I'm not being lazy. I'm not taking a nap to complicate other people's lives. I just need the rest.


• I'm giving myself permission to drink some hot chocolate with Melanie today. With marshmallows.


• I'm giving myself permission to play a computer game today if I want to for a while.


• I'm giving myself permission to not open Photoshop today. I'm burnt out a little, and I need a day away from it.


• I'm giving myself permission to only check my email once. And I don't *have* to Facebook if I don't want to. I'm taking a mini-digital sabbatical (thanks Gwen Bell).


• I'm giving myself permission to just breathe a little bit, a few times, today. To not worry about if I'm swirly or not swirly. Working or not working. Perfect or not perfect. Alone or lonely. Just to be. In the moment.

I hope that you all have a wonderful day before the day before Christmas. I am giving myself permission to do just that!

We wish you a Merry Christmas.

And a Butchy new year.

It ' s morning...with other good news thrown in...

It's 7:03 EST.

That would be, 7:03 AM EST.

7:03. Seven oh three. In the MORNING!!

People who know me know that this is an event of significant note. While I am not always asleep at 7:03, I am very rarely vertical.

Not only am I vertical, I am showered. With face washed and ready for makeup, which is laid out in the bathroom ready to use after it de-steams in there. And I have my clothes picked out. And I'm considering starting the tea kettle (it may be TOO early for that mess!).

If we're going to brag and be all forthright and stuff here, I would have to say that I would have been here at 6:48 except Clevis (my friendly neighborhood laptop) was having a difficult time starting up this morning as I shut him all the way down last night in sheer frustration with WordPress. And then there was the other incident involving Sunny attacking my towel-clad head as I sat down on the couch because he was terrified and frightened.

So was I after I dislodged the cat from atop the towel that my head was wrapped in. It got rather dicey.

Especially for 6:fortysomething in the morning!

Now, I have to go ahead and admit that I didn't plan to get up this early. My alarm was not set to go off for 23 more minutes. But even 7:30 would have been a feat of monumental proportions for me. Mornings and I, we are not best friends forever. They are closely akin to a routine colonoscopy to me. Something intrusive and necessary with a lot of prep and not in the least desirable.  I've decided to try to change my view on them. (Mornings, not colonoscopies. There are limits to the madness.) Especially since they come every day and are rather an important part of life.

Last night I didn't sleep well at all. I read (I'm re-reading Blue Smoke by Nora Roberts, one I've read at least 4 times before, and I also read some more of The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown). I listened to a little music (this time it was nature sounds instead of tunes because I was sincerely trying to sleep instead of just relax). All of this was to no avail. Sleep was not my friend.

So, I thought.

There are a few things that I have been pondering as of late because there are changes in my life that need to be made. Some of them are not ready for public consumption. Some of them I will be slowly revealing here on the old bloggeroo. This is, after all, supposed to be my journey "Into the Thick of It", "It" being life with my thoughts and family and cats and work and the stuff that makes up who I am. If I can't be me here, then where can I be me?

One of the things that I *need* to do is to get up before everyone else. Not because I love mornings (heaven forbid the thought!), but because...I am hesitant to admit this...but...

OnceIamawakethisiswhenIdomybestthinking.

I hate even admitting that. But it's true.

Once I am awake, this IS when I do my best thinking.

Not my best creative work, per say. Heaven knows that my conversation is not at it's peak yet. I am not going to start scrubbing floors or rotating laundry (although that may become part of the whole here eventually).  I am probably not the easiest to be around other people yet, because my errm....charmingly rough edges have not worn down yet this early in the morning.

This early in the morning though, I am just by myself and my thoughts. I am more honest with myself. More optimistic and realistic. More prepared to make changes and kick my willpower into overdrive. More able to sit with the blank canvas of the day and make a list (or five). More able to step back and see what needs to change - not only for THIS day or THIS week, but for THIS woman. I don't know why it has to be this time of day, but it's time that I admit that for me, it is. If I wait much later than this, like when everyone else is up and moving too, these thoughts get crowded out and buried in the rubble of the day.

I'm tired of my thoughts being buried.

So, here are my random thoughts for today. And here's hoping that tomorrow I will have more (at this time of the day again!).

1. I've decided that "sufficiency" is going to be my word of the week. I have the tendency to say and/or think that I don't "have enough" of...well...most everything. Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough energy. Not enough sleep. Not a small enough butt. Not enough not enough not enough. (I'll admit that this line of thinking has been directly influenced by the Brené Brown book from above. We share that last accented é in our names. That was the clencher for me that she is a smarty pants.) I am re-training my thoughts. I do have enough time to do what's really important to me - it's how I use it that matters. I do have enough money to accomplish what I *need* to accomplish - again, it's a matter of choice and use. While I may not have the energy, sleep, butt, etc that I want - it's what I have. And what I have is a gift - every part of it. Even the hiney. (I could have NO ass, afterall. Then how would I sit?) It's time for me to change the way I think about what I have and remember that I have enough. More than enough. Sufficiency.


2. Being 30-something and having my skin change is a pain in the butt. It's dry. But it's oily. It has flakes. And pimples. My pores are big. I have bags under my eyes. In short: it is a LOT more work than it used to be. I need to take better care of my skin. I have a skin-care system and am determined to use it more diligently.


3. Sunny is afraid of the floor. He is also afraid of our bedroom. I do not know why. He is a cat with many neurosis. Which is probably why he fits so well into this family.


4. My house is a sty. My housekeeping skills are never what we would call "on the ball" - I sometimes eek by with "acceptable". But this is on the verge for even me. This afternoon will be "clean or die" time.


5. I have so many design ideas, which feels SO good! I have notebooks in my purse (yes - notebookS) and they are filled with sketches and thoughts and notes. I can't wait to open Photoshop and get to work today!


6. I am actually anxious for Melanie to wake up. I want some time with her this morning before those school people hog her all to themselves.


7. I'm excited about the changes behind the scenes in the plans for the blog. And a little scared.


8. I would like to paint my fingernails with clear polish sometime today.


9. I want to scrapbook my list of current favorite top 10 songs. That may have to happen with my new collection for this week.


10. Getting my camera battery fixed is on the top of the priority list for this week. I've gone too long without taking photos.

There are some of my random thoughts from this morning. (In the MORNING!)

Still can't believe it.

Anyway - in OTHER news....

YAY! It's anniversary time! That means that there will be games, fun, sales, new products, chats, and all sorts of other frivolity and fun! Plus there's a beautiful free kit with purchase and lots of other fun stuff.

The designers made these cool JIF6 collections for you to scrap fast and beautiful pages. They come with the layered page already there for you, so all you have to do is Just Insert Foto. They're all designed with the same color scheme in mind, so you can mix and match and have a blast making an entire album if you want!! Here's my contribution:

There are TONS of other beautiful ones in the store too, so check them out whilst you're grabbing mine (wink wink!!)

I hope that everyone is having a great Monday, and will have a great week. I also hope that you'll come back and share some of it with me. You can follow me via your favorite blog reader (I have this one for my iPhone) or get updates via email. We could get to know one another. It could be fun!

P.S. - Please, PLEASE pardon the construction as I get the blog up to snuff. As you can see, I have done something totally funky and beside itself to the footer, because the original theme had some link to an online pharmacy in the UK. I have nothing against pharmacies or the UK, but I didn't want it embedded in my blog, so I tried to fix it myself and you get this mess. However, I did manage to put my own header on here and make some of my own buttons to replace the generic theme ones, and I changed some colors, too. There is help on the way for me (thank GOODNESS) and I will do my best to make this ugly phase as short lived as possible! Thank you for your kind support.